Just a Little Crush (Crush #1) Read online

  “Son of a bitch.” Ryder groaned and curled in on himself.

  I shot upright and grabbed my head. “Crap.”

  Still clinging to his crotch, he moaned. “Geez, I know you’re pissed about the no-sex thing but don’t take it out on the boys.”

  My body went rigid, but my jaw slacked as I stared down at Ryder.

  I buried my face in my hands. “Ohmigod. Ohmigod.” I shook my head and prayed I could wake up from this nightmare.

  Ryder chuckled. “She’s sober.”

  My head pounded and my stomach soured. Bits and pieces of the previous night replayed. I desperately tried to suppress them.

  “Anything you want to ask me?” Ryder’s amused tone made me feel angry and humiliated all at once. “I’m game for it now…well, at least, I was. You may have broken something. Should we check to see if everything’s working?”

  I bolted from the bed. “Shut up. Please. Shut up.” My face burned and I couldn’t even begin to make eye contact with him. “I need…I’m going…” I glanced at him as he tucked his hands behind his head and grinned. “Ugh, I’ll be right back.”

  I snatched my makeup bag off my bookshelf and rushed to the community bathroom. My disheveled hair stood higher on one side of my head than the other. I groaned and yanked my brush through it. Once I’d managed to coerce it into a slightly less embarrassing state, I slathered toothpaste on my toothbrush and scrubbed my teeth. The residual taste of alcohol was disgusting. I spit, rinsed and brushed once more, all while trying to avoid the flashbacks torturing my mind.

  Images of crawling into Ryder’s lap, begging him for sex, made my already upset stomach somersault. How could I face him? Maybe he’d be gone when I returned to my room. After stalling as long as I could, I headed back.

  Ryder sat on the bed, fully dressed, with his phone in his hands. “Hey.” He smiled as I walked in.

  I turned away from him and placed my bag on the shelf. “I’m sorry. About last night,” I whispered.

  “Seriously? You’re apologizing. About last night.”

  I glanced over my shoulder. “Yeah. I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry about. Though I may be sorry. I’m starting to think it was a one-time offer.” He grinned and my face heated. “I’m kidding, Brinley. You were drunk. It happens. We say things we may not mean. I’d never take advantage of you like that.”

  Oh, but I meant it. I wanted Ryder. In a way I’d never wanted another guy. But he sure didn’t have a problem resisting me. “Why?”

  “Why what?” He narrowed his gaze.

  “Why didn’t you? I’ve seen you mess around with drunk girls. Why not me?”

  “Wow.” He stood and shook his head. “Regardless of your very low impression of me, I don’t take advantage of drunk girls. Sure, I mess around with them and, yeah, sometimes I have sex with them, but they know what they’re getting into. They know it’s casual and they don’t expect more from me.”

  “So that’s it. You think I’m naïve. You think that I expect some kind of life commitment from you just because we have sex.” I crossed my arms.

  He made a grunt of annoyance and shook his head. “No, Brinley, I don’t think you expect that. I think you deserve it.” He opened my door and glowered at me. “And I’m glad you think so highly of me in return.” He slammed the door.

  I flung it back open and leaned out. “Ryder.”

  He paused but didn’t turn around.

  “I do think highly of you. Probably more so than you think of yourself.”

  He shook his head, never turning to me. “Sadly, Brin, that doesn’t mean much.” He walked off, leaving me alone in the hallway.

  Several hours later, I was still curled in bed when Fallon walked in. She tossed her stuff onto her desk chair and plopped onto her bed. “I feel like shit.”

  “Me too.” Though a bit hungover, I mostly hated myself because of my conversation with Ryder. He was a good guy. I truly believed that and trusted him, but how could I convince him of that?

  “Did you at least hook up with Ryder?”

  “If by ‘hook up’ you mean sex, then no.”

  “Wow, that guy has it bad for you.”

  “Um, I said we did not have sex.”

  “Exactly. He stares at you like he wants to eat you for breakfast, lunch and dinner, yet he still hasn’t had sex with you. I thought for sure last night would be the night, considering you were drunk and willing.”

  “I kind of thought so too.”

  “So, you do want to have sex with him.” She grinned.

  “Of course. He’s hot. But it’s more in theory. When it comes down to it, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And I’m scared I’ll just be another girl on his list. If we have sex, then what? He moves on to the next girl. I can’t do that. I—I like him too much.”

  “What makes you think he’ll move on?”

  “It’s Ryder. He’ll move on.”

  “Then why hasn’t he already? If all he wanted was sex, why doesn’t he just find it somewhere else?”

  “Who says he’s not?” Jealousy soured my stomach.

  “Maybe. But I’m willing to bet he isn’t. I haven’t seen him with a girl since you two started talking. Didn’t you say he’s always with a girl? Well, when was the last time you saw him with one?”

  “The night I went over to his suite to see Noah.” The night he told me he didn’t want Cassidy in his bed. The night he chose me. But could that really mean he hadn’t been with another girl since? I shook my mind clear. “I’m sure he does things I don’t know about. He has a life outside of me.”

  “Maybe you should ask him.”

  “If he’s sleeping with other girls? I can’t do that. It’s not my business. I’m not his girlfriend.”

  “If you are even considering sleeping with this guy, it’s your business.”

  She made a valid point, but…“I’m not going to sleep with him.” No matter how much I wanted him, I’d never build up the nerve to ask for sex again and that was his condition. He was smart to put that restriction on me. He placed all the power in my hands because he knew I’d have no idea what to do with it.

  “If you say so.” Fallon shrugged and rolled onto her stomach. She tucked her blanket under her chin and yawned. “I’m sleeping this hangover off. Don’t wake me unless the building is on fire or you have sex with Ryder.”

  I laughed and curled onto my side. “Don’t worry. I won’t wake you.”

  —

  My phone chimed and I rolled onto my back. The room was dark, but I could make out Fallon’s silhouette buried under blankets on her bed. I grabbed my phone to read the text.

  Ryder: Meet me downstairs?

  I checked the time; it was already seven.

  Me: Now?

  Ryder: Ten minutes.

  Me: Ok.

  I jumped out of bed and pulled on my favorite jeans, tore off my T-shirt and slipped on a cami and flowing sheer top. It was feminine, but didn’t scream Have sex with me. Like I had. The night before. Figured it couldn’t hurt to gain back some modesty.

  I rushed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth again, pulled my hair into a ponytail and smeared on some lip gloss. Then decided to add some mascara and bronzer. I didn’t wear a hangover well, so makeup was more a necessity than usual. But I didn’t want to look like I’d put too much effort into my appearance. Once semi-presentable, I went downstairs to meet Ryder.

  He sat on the steps leading to my dorm.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He turned and his gaze drifted down my body then slowly made its way back up. “Hi.” He stood as I approached. “Ready to go?”

  “Um, sure. Where are we going?”

  “On a date.”

  “A date?”

  “Yeah.” He looped his hand through mine and led me toward the parking lot. “Have you eaten?”

  “Not yet.”

  He opened the passenger door of his car and I slid in.

>   “Do you like Dan’s?” he asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “Of course. Best cheeseburgers in town.”

  He smiled but other than that said nothing.

  We drove in silence. A ton of questions ran through my mind, starting with “Why?” He’d seemed pissed earlier, and now, here we were on a date? Ryder had mastered the art of mixed signals. It was hard enough to gather my thoughts around him; his cryptic nature didn’t help. When in his presence, my analytical side went into self-destruct mode. Or maybe it went into over-analysis mode. Either way it seemed to be currently malfunctioning. Before I could initiate conversation, we’d arrived at Dan’s Burgers.

  Ryder ordered two cheeseburgers, a basket of fries and two drinks without so much as a word to me. It was shaping up to be an unusual date.

  “Thanks,” I said as he placed my food in front of me.

  “No problem.” He put the tray on the self-serve condiment counter then slid into the booth, across from me.

  I took a bite and tried to think of a safe subject to talk about but he beat me to it.

  “Tell me more about your family,” he said.

  “Okay, what do you want to know?”

  “Anything you want to tell me.”

  “Um, I don’t really know what to say.”

  “Tell me more about your grandma.”

  Thoughts of Grandma made me smile. It had been a while since my last in-person visit. Though the house was only a forty-minute drive into the suburbs and I could visit whenever, I avoided going home because of Mom.

  Ryder waited for me to say something.

  I said the first thing to come to mind. “She’s the kindest person I know. I love her and can’t imagine life without her. I don’t understand how a woman like her ended up with a person like my mom as a daughter. I think she blames herself but it’s not her fault Mom has issues.” I’d sort of vomited out way too much personal detail. I slid back in my seat and sipped my soda.

  “Go on.”

  “It’s not that interesting.”

  “It is to me.”

  I studied him.

  His green eyes flicked up and locked onto mine.

  “My mom’s an alcoholic,” I blurted.

  He paused with his burger midair. “When did she start drinking?”

  “She always drank, ‘partied’ would be more accurate.” I tore a piece of bun off my hamburger. “I guess she felt like she was too young to be raising a kid. So instead she tried too hard to be like everyone else her age. Dated too many guys. Sucked up to too many friends. Anything for acceptance. But when she met Mike, things finally changed and she settled down. I was fourteen when they started dating. He stuck around the longest. Almost a full year. He seemed nice, and he made Mom happy…for a while.”

  “What happened?”

  “As she likes to say, he wanted to trade her in for a younger version.”

  Ryder tilted his head and stared at me for a moment. The color drained from his face as realization set in. “You.”

  I stared down at the lavender polish on my nails. Why had I shared that with him?

  Ryder’s voice went low. “Did he ever—”

  “No. God, no. He just had a wandering eye. Made some inappropriate comments. Nothing ever happened.”

  Chills ran up my arms as memories surfaced…like the way he’d watch me. It always unsettled me, but I dismissed it as my own personal dislike for him. Then the comments started when no one was around to hear them except me. And it was never what he said, but the way he said it that made me uncomfortable. I was embarrassed to tell Grandma, which was dumb on my part; I know that now. It’s just some part of me honestly hadn’t understood how a man twice my age would ever see me like that. Especially when he had Mom. Back then, before the alcohol took its toll, she was vibrant and beautiful. Now I realized he’d been pushing the boundaries and my silence empowered him. Sometimes, when I thought back, the fear overtook me. What would have happened had Grandma not been around the day he pushed it too far?

  Ryder snapped me from my thoughts. His gaze was fixed on me as he asked, “You don’t think your mom blames you though, do you?”

  “Not outright. But remember, I’m the one who stole her youth. When she sees me, she sees a younger her. I’m the girl she wasn’t able to be. I think she hates me for that.”

  He shook his head. “All moms love their kids. She doesn’t hate you.”

  “Maybe not when she’s sober. Unfortunately, that’s not often. She likes giving me little reminders when she’s drunk. After Mike left, she hit bottom, never rebounded. At first I thought she was just drinking away the sadness from the breakup, but it’s like something snapped. She spent more time drunk than sober. Until eventually it was just who she was. It became her identity. I was embarrassed to have friends over. Always on edge, worried to say the wrong thing and set her off.” I shook my head and hugged my arms around my waist. “From the time I turned sixteen, I couldn’t wait to get out of my house and go to college. I didn’t want to leave Grandma but I couldn’t be in that house anymore. I couldn’t keep making Mom miserable. Without me around, things are easier for everyone. I don’t want to make Grandma’s life harder than it needs to be.”

  “Shit, Brinley. Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  “Because I’ve never really told anyone,” I admitted.

  Ryder’s eyes softened and his gaze flicked to my lips then back up. “My stepdad cheated on my mom. I went home one day to pick up some of my stuff. No one was supposed to be there. But he was. Fucking some girl on the couch.”

  My jaw dropped.

  “Worst part, she was one of Paige’s friends. The asshole hadn’t even been married a year to my mom and he was screwing a girl young enough to be his daughter.”

  “Oh my God. What did you do?”

  “Went into a blind rage. I broke shit. Including his nose.”

  “What did your mom do?”

  “Nothing. Because she doesn’t know. I can’t tell her.”

  “What? Why?”

  “She signed a prenup. If they divorce she gets nothing. And, the jackass was quick to remind me, Mom doesn’t work. He owns their house. He pays for her car. All the bills. She’s totally dependent on him. Just the way he wanted, I’m sure. It was his idea for her to quit her job.” He shook his head. “He also pays my tuition. Mom thinks he’s some great man for doing it, but I know it’s hush money.”

  “That’s awful.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t want to ruin her life but I hate carrying this around. I decided the best thing to do is use that asshole to get my degree, make some money and support her myself. With my help, she can get back on her feet and away from him.”

  “Do you think he’s still cheating on her?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Does anyone else know?”

  He shook his head. “We put on a good show when Mom’s around. Before I caught him cheating, he and I got along pretty well. My stepbrother resented me for it, but now he senses something’s up and couldn’t be happier. He thinks I’ve had some sort of fall from grace, but really it’s his dad who has. I don’t care what he thinks though. He’d find a way to turn it on me. Always does.”

  “Sounds like our families both suck.”

  “Yeah.” He smiled. “It’s amazing we’re so well adjusted.”

  “I can thank Grandma for that. She keeps me sane.”

  “Same for Paige. She’s my voice of reason.” He glanced at his watch. “Ready to go?”

  “Oh, yeah. Sure.” I’d been so distracted by our conversation I’d hardly eaten, but clearly he had somewhere else to be.

  Ryder didn’t drive me back to the dorm, but instead returned to the nature trail. We walked hand in hand to the overlook. He sat and pulled me onto the rock, my hips resting between his legs.

  “Relax, Brinley.”

  I leaned against his chest and stared out at the bridge. “Why are you taking me on a date tonight?
”

  He sighed. “Because I can almost stand the person I am when I’m with you.”

  I shook my head. “I like the person you are…and it has nothing to do with me.”

  “You make me a better person. But, c’mon, you and I both know I’m not a good person.”

  I sat upright and turned toward him. “Ryder, you just told me you broke a guy’s nose because he cheated on your mom. You carry the burden of his deception to save your mom from pain. And you are working your butt off in school to support her later. Why in the world would I think you’re not a good person?”

  “Because most of what I do isn’t good.”

  “C’mon, what have you done that’s so bad? I doubt it’s anything most guys don’t do, and the fact you have some level of remorse about it is probably a step up. I think you are too hard on yourself. You’re a goo—”

  “I’m not a good guy.”

  “You are to me.”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m trying not to hurt you, but I don’t know how to do that anymore.” His eyes locked onto mine, and he cupped my cheek. “I can’t tell if I’m doing what’s right for you or what’s right for me.”

  “Why can’t it be right for both of us?”

  “It doesn’t work that way.”

  Of course it did, but he was so convinced he was wrong for me, he’d never see it that way. I shifted onto my knees, still wedged between his legs. “Why can’t I decide what’s right for me?”

  He smirked. “Well, clearly, if you think I am, you’re a poor judge.”

  I frowned.

  He pushed up the corners of my mouth. “I’m joking. Smile.”

  “But you aren’t really joking. You think you’re wrong for me and that’s not fair. You don’t get to decide that for me.”

  “First off, I don’t think. I know. But secondly, I’m not deciding that. Not anymore. That’s why I’m here.” He gave me a peck. “So what do you want to do tomorrow night?”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. There’s a band playing at The Box. We should check them out.”

  A band. Tomorrow. “Okay.”

  “It’s a date, then.” He slid off the rock, pulling me with him. “C’mon. Time to get you home. You have class in the morning.”